Why a consistent Self Pleasure practice holds the key to happiness
There’s something exquisitely tender about meeting yourself in intimacy. Not the rushed or transactional kind, not the masturbation-orgasm before sleeping, but the slow, sacred, attentive presence that asks nothing of you but to simply be.
In the world I inhabit as a couples sex therapist and intimacy coach- a dakini who guides others through the labyrinth of connection- I’ve learned that the most profound connection isn’t always found in the arms of another.
It starts within, in the quiet, uncharted realms of self.
Self-pleasure is more than just a release, more than a fleeting moment of sensation. It is communion. A soft, whispered yes to your own aliveness.
In the western world, pleasure is often not much talked about, it’s something hidden and sometimes even shameful. Self-pleasure can be the first step to reclaiming this birthright of yours: it can help reconnect what’s been disconnected, and help finding the innocence that lays at its core.
When we dare to meet ourselves, naked not just in body but in spirit, we come alive. We remember what it feels like to inhabit the skin we live in, to be present in the quiet pulses of desire and the tender ache of longing.
When I speak of self-pleasure, I’m not speaking only of touch, though touch is of course part of it. I’m speaking of the ritual of honoring yourself as a sensuous being. The kind of practice where you light a candle, let soft music fill the room, and allow your hands (your breath, your voice…) to become your guides.
I’ve seen clients break into tears when they first touch themselves this way, as if they’ve stumbled upon an ancient truth they didn’t know they carried. I’ve felt that same well of emotion in my own practice, the heartbreaking recognition of all the moments I abandoned myself and the deep relief of finally coming home. It can be so subtle and tender. It can be entirely unerotic and non-sexual, and other times the most exquisite, playful lovemaking session with yourself.
You will learn all the different layers when you show up consistently for this practice. The range of emotions that is stored in your body, the memories, the conditionings or simply what you like and don’t like.
When you prioritize your own pleasure as an act of self-devotion, it doesn’t just shift your relationship with yourself but has the potential to change the way you move through the world.
You may begin to see beauty where you might not have noticed it before: the sunlight catching on leaves, the way laughter ripples through a room, the warmth of your own smile. Pleasure isn’t separate from the rest of life; it is life.
When you cultivate it within, it spills outward, infusing everything you touch with a little more magic.
There have been moments in my own life when I’ve felt so disconnected from my body. Times when it felt easier to give to others than to receive, easier to guide others to intimacy than to embrace my own. Again and again, this practice has brought me back to myself. It has reminded me that pleasure is not a luxury, it is a birthright. And in the moments when I’ve doubted, when the world felt too heavy, self-pleasure became an anchor. A reminder that even in the chaos, I can create a space for tenderness. For joy. For me. In fact, I would apply this old zen proverb with the same importance here: “If you don't have time to meditate for an hour everyday, you should meditate for two hours.”
When you feel like you don’t have time in your schedule for self-pleasure… maybe that’s exactly what you need to infuse your world with a little space and spark again.
Your pleasure matters. It isn’t selfish or indulgent. It’s essential. And in giving yourself permission to feel, to explore, to connect, you’re not just unlocking happiness, you’re reclaiming the very essence of who you are.
Start small if you must. A single moment of presence, a hand resting on your heart, a whispered “I’m here.”
And let it grow. Let it become your practice, your ritual, your way back to joy and inner peace.
