Genital Arousal Doesn’t Always Reflect Desire
Aka an erection or a wet pussy does not mean they are turned on!
There’s a common myth that lingers in our collective understanding of sexuality- a belief so persistent that it often leaves people questioning their own bodies, their relationships and their desires. It’s the myth that if your body responds- if there is wetness, hardness or a flush of heat-then it must mean you want what’s happening. But the truth, as delicate and complex as the workings of our hearts, is far more nuanced than this.
As a sex therapist, intimacy coach, and dakini, I’ve witnessed this misunderstanding unravel in tender moments with couples and individuals. The tears of frustration, the shame, the desperate longing to ‘fix’ what they think is broken- it breaks my heart every time.
And it also fills me with awe because these moments are when profound transformation begins.
The body is a mysterious and ancient vessel, responsive to touch, stimulation and even context, but its reactions are not always aligned with desire. Genital arousal (erections, lubrication and physical sensations)- are part of a biological system that often operates outside our conscious awareness. This reflexive response can be triggered by many stimuli, from touch to even fear, without any connection to longing or emotional readiness.
I remember a client once sharing how he felt betrayed by his body. How his body didn’t respond in a way that was expected of him, by his own expectations and also hers, which left him feeling like there’s something massively broken and wrong with him. It’s that simple equation again- erection meaning desire without taking into account emotional states, stress level or the heart. This way of thinking has the potential to create a downhill slope of expectation, fear, pressure; a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Often, instead of actually listening to what the body has to say, what’s truly underneath, we rush to shame and make a beautiful truth wrong: The body tells its own story.
This myth, that arousal equals desire, is more than a simple misunderstanding. It has the power to harm. It can erode intimacy, perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and silence voices that need to be heard. It tells us to ignore the emotional and psychological threads that weave together our sexual selves and making us whole, focusing instead on what the body should do.
While male sexuality (their cock and balls) is external and visible, and therefore exposed, female sexuality is hidden and internal: arousal is easier to hide for women.
One thing I wished our unfortunately very limited sex education would teach us, is about the arousal of women: yes, wetness is one sign- though age, stress levels, even hydration levels can massively influence the vaginal fluids, making it not a reliable indicator.
When a woman is aroused, her vaginal tissue swells and gets lusciously engorged by blood. Her vaginal canal dilates- meaning that if you were to enter her, you’d feel her entrance open and pulling you in.
And let’s talk about another thing here the world is obsessed about: the ‘tight’ pussy. Honestly, a pussy should never be tight when entered. A tight pussy is a contracted one, not ready to be penetrated.
If you’ve ever been penetrated or have been penetrated a woman and there was resistance, tightness, pain or many attempt to push in until the vagina finally opened- chances are you and they weren’t ready.
Unfortunately, this is not common knowledge.
What I want you to know- what I wish everyone could carry close to their hearts- is that desire is not defined by physical response alone. It’s a dance between body, mind and soul, a symphony of connection, trust and presence.
Desire speaks in whispers; sometimes, it roars. It doesn’t always align with arousal, but that doesn’t make it any less valid, any less beautiful.
If you’ve ever felt this disconnect, know that you’re not alone. There’s no shame in what you feel or don’t feel. Your body is not betraying you; it’s offering you clues to explore, pieces of a puzzle to fit together with care and self-compassion.
In my work, I often guide people to listen to their hearts, their boundaries and their inner knowing. This is the sacred work of unearthing your truth, of reclaiming your right to feel exactly what you feel without shame. It is an invitation to deepen your connection with yourself and with those you love.
Let’s unravel the myths that keep us trapped. Let’s hold space for the messy, tender, imperfect realities of human desire. And let’s remember that the body is a part of us, but it is not the whole of us. We are more than our arousal; we are the longing, the love, and the light that lives within.
