Asking for what you want

How to Ask for What You Want

There’s a vulnerable kind of magic in asking for what you want. It is a tender art, a courageous leap into the unknown that can leave you trembling on the edge of possibility. For many, the act of voicing a desire feels like standing naked in a storm, the winds of doubt and fear threatening to sweep you away. Yet, in that raw, exposed state, something extraordinary happens. You become fully alive.

In my years of guiding couples and individuals into deeper intimacy, I’ve witnessed how hard it is for people to speak their truths. We carry unspoken fears that asking might mean rejection, ridicule, or worse, that we’ll reveal our deepest needs only to have them go unmet. So, we stay silent, hoping our partners will intuitively know what we crave. But silence breeds distance, and unmet desires linger like ghosts, haunting our connections.

I’ve been there too. For a long time, I carried my own needs quietly, delicately folding them into myself like fragile secrets. I convinced myself that if my partner really loved me, they would just know. When they didn’t, I told myself my desires weren’t important enough, or worse, that I was too much. This avoidance built walls I didn’t even realize I was creating, until the ache of disconnection grew too loud to ignore.

What I’ve come to understand—and what I share with those I work with—is that asking is not just an act of self-expression, it is an act of love. It is a gift. It says to your partner, “I trust you enough to hold this part of me.” Asking opens a portal between two souls, allowing for a meeting that is more honest, more real, and infinitely more alive than anything unspoken ever could be.

But how do we ask without fear swallowing us whole? The answer is not in perfect words or strategies. It’s in the courage to be seen, even when we feel messy or unsure. It’s in softening our defenses and daring to risk. Sometimes, that means starting small, whispering a simple longing like, “I’d love if you held me closer tonight.” Other times, it means baring more of ourselves, saying, “I feel a yearning I’m scared to share, but I want to let you in.”

When I started practicing this, I noticed that the very act of asking changed me. My words weren’t always met with the response I hoped for. Sometimes my partner couldn’t give me what I needed in the moment. And yet, each time I spoke my desires aloud, I felt stronger. I was reclaiming myself, showing up as the woman I wanted to be: open, honest, unapologetically alive.

The mystery is that asking is never just about the other person. It’s about you, too. It’s about standing in your truth, even if your voice shakes. It’s about knowing that your desires—whether simple or profound—are worthy of being heard. It’s about trusting that the right person will lean in, eager to meet you in the wild, sacred space of mutual vulnerability.

So, if you’re sitting with an unspoken desire, wondering if you dare to voice it, know this: your longing is sacred. It is the thread that connects you to your partner and, more importantly, to yourself. Asking for what you want isn’t selfish; it’s an invitation into deeper intimacy, a chance to weave your desires into the fabric of your connection.

Let yourself be seen. Let yourself be heard. Trust in the magic that unfolds when you dare to step into the mystery of asking. In that act, you will find not just the possibility of being met, but the profound, liberating beauty of being wholly yourself.